It’s said that you should generally wait about two months after a miscarriage before trying again but there are others who feel that the next opportunity that presents itself should not be passed by. I suppose it matters somewhat how early the miscarriage happened as that would affect how long the woman’s body needs to recover. They say that around one in every five pregnancies ends in miscarriage and that doesn’t necessarily take into account extremely early miscarriages (since how would you really know?).

Since by January we were not again pregnant and since being in our mid/late 30′s we didn’t have the luxury of unlimited time, we decided to make appointments at the fertility center of Northwestern. Because of Elizabeth’s breast cancer diagnosis in 2004, she’d been checked pretty thoroughly for childbearing ability after treatment and had been given an all-clear. Still, we wanted to take another look and also have me go in for tests also. I guess I’m half the equation here and some statistics suggest that 40% of all infertility issues may be due to the man. I was to have a semen analysis.

First, I checked in at the front desk and then sat in the waiting room until called. Next, I was given a sheet of paper with some blanks to fill and directed down the hall to another window where, since no one was waiting, I had to ring a little bell. That young lady checked my paperwork and casually pointed me around the corner. Didn’t see realize what I was about to do??? By the way, as you walk down the long hall, you’re certain everyone you pass knows you’re about to go into a little room and masturbate. I suppose if you don’t work there, chances are you’re there to masturbate.

At Northwestern, they have two rooms for this noble purpose. Each is about 9′x7′ and consists of:

  • Florescent lighting with dimmer switch, white walls and EZ-mop tile floor
  • Shelving containing individually wrapped collection cups
  • Sink, soap, paper towels and wastecan
  • 13″ color television/vcr with a stack of variously labeled porn videos
  • A drawer full of varying degrees of porn mags (from FHM to Playboy and on down)
  • Finally, a leather recliner chair that looks like it’s from 1995 and takes up half the room. Green, I think?

My first thought was where do they get all this pornography? Donations? My second thought was that I bet they’ll always have to use VHS tapes because DVDs are too easy to steal.

Whether you prefer your imagination or the imagination of a film school dropout in Van Nuys, CA, you’re to do whatever you need to do to achieve the end result and bring the sample back to that little window. When I dropped it off, the young female tech held the cup aloft, gave it a little shake and seemed to eye the sample skeptically. It was almost like she could already tell something was wrong. I assured myself this wasn’t possible and I went on my way.

Dr. Barnes (who handled both Elizabeth and I) called the next day to report my results. Apparently, my count was on the low side but not terribly so. What concerned him was my sperm morphology. That was something I’d never heard of. Sperm are supposed to have a certain size and shape so they can get where they need to go quickly and potentially penetrate into the egg. Since sperm often make up for shortcomings in sheer volume, the ideal percentage of, uh… properly morphed sperm is 30% (according to the WHO). There are other sources that say it need only be 14% and still others that say even this number is higher than the average. At any rate, the number I got from Dr. Barnes was ZERO PERCENT. How was this possible? I mean, law of averages would suggest that a malformed sperm could again be malformed into being normal on occasion, right? Dr. Barnes advised that I abstain from alcohol for a three weeks and return for another test.

As expected (since I don’t really drink a lot) the second test had the same results. What might be cause for others to despair just more or less confused us. We’d gotten pregnant only months before, so either morphology was either not an WORKS/DOESN’T WORK arrangement or the test was not accurate. We suspected a bit of both. Regardless, I started to read up on theories of what I could do in my desire to be proactive and we learned from Dr. Barnes about ways they could help us conceive.